
Here is a basic statement about burgers that you should use as a litmus test for whether you and I will ever agree about anything: burgers are best in diners. This statement comes from my heritage--I come from NJ, Land of Diners--but also from a philosophical belief in the true burger experience. If you're at the classiest eatery in all the world and they've ground Kobe beef by hand using diamond knives and unicorn horns, that's not the true burger experience. I wouldn't say
no to that experience, but we all must just agree now that it wouldn't be
the true burger experience. Sadly, I'm not in NJ, Land of Diners, anymore. I don't get to have my burgers cooked within hearing as the kitchen doors swing back and forth with every waiter's sally forward. I don't get to have my burgers at the counter or in a red-pleather booth. And I especially don't get to have my burgers in that perfect mix of skeeziness and deliciousness that is chipped dishes and silverware bound in a napkin-zombie. It's not a true burger experience, right, unless you have to ask yourself (at least once) whether you think you're going to be ill later from it.
I'm in Ann Arbor instead. I get black bean burgers on tempeh buns served with organic grass juice or whatever. (Be aware: I would also not say
no to that meal. I kind of dig the idea of organic grass juice.) The closest I get to proper diner burgers is Five Guys.
Oh, Five Guys.

Look at that burger. Just look at it. Look how squishy that bun is. Look how all the deliciousness is sliding out the sides--overwhelmed, as this burger is, by its own abundance. This burger says to the world, "I am burger. I am
here for you." This burger loves the consumer and wants to make the consumer happy in a phoenix-death of savory goodness. This burger believes in the greater good. This burger loves
people. This is the kind of burger that's all about the camaraderie of the diner experience--the 2AM diner jaunt with your teenage friends on Friday night, the post-random-academic-achievement celebratory jaunt with your parents, and everything in between--this burger is about
love. That's not even hyperbole; that's fact.
Five Guys keeps going, though. They--like all proper burger providers--know that burgers (though they are the main event) must share the limelight with the fries. A burger without fries is a tragedy. It's actual,
King Lear-style tragedy. And let's be serious here: let's just ignore the naysayers who try to substitute a salad for fries. You're only hurting yourself, naysayers.

I had to take this picture after a certain amount of delay. I had a burger in my hands, alright, you don't pause for
photography when you have a burger in your hands. And I know none of you fine internet peoples would suggest otherwise, so let's move on. There was a certain dent made in the quantity of fries before I remembered that I needed some photos for this blog or, you know, that I was anything besides a burger-consuming mouth. I was
occupied.I may lose some of you now, readers, when I tell you my feelings on fries. I'm going to preface it by explaining that I ate inner-city school lunches for
years. There are some "foodstuffs," right, that my stomach sees as a challenge when it should run and hide in a corner. My stomach has developed odd preferences. That's my preface. But here's the real deal: I think fries are best after they've been sitting in ketchup (I'm talking
lakes of ketchup) long enough to get a bit cold. I am perfectly content to eat day-old fries if they've been soaking in ketchup. Fact. And Five Guys has the kind of ketchup dispensers where you have to put some arm into it, you know what I'm talking about, to get a full dollop in your tiny plastic dish. Their fries come in a cup, too; perfectly shaped to allow the bottom tier of fries to laze about in the ketchup. There are
so many fries too that the bottom tier is inevitably a bit cold and thoroughly soaked by the time you get to it. In other words, the bottom of the cup = perfection.
I will end with my one piece of criticism of that day's burger experience. I was perplexed and unnerved to read the contradictory claims on the walls of the establishment. On the one hand, it claimed to be "hamburger heaven." I see a sign like that and I say to myself, "Ah, this is where the burgers go after they die. Burgers are such kind-hearted things that they want to be eaten again, even in the afterlife. How noble!" But then I read the the next poster: "Five Guys serves heaven on a bun." This perplexes me. I thought this whole establishment was the ideal place
of the burgers. But if Five Guys is serving that heaven in the bun....that means, like scalawags and scoundrels, they're luring the burgers back with the
mirage of heaven and then serving them up to be devoured again just when the burgers thought they were finally safe from all that masticating. "I'm finally safe in heaven!" the burger says to itself in the split second before you chew through its heart. Not cool, Five Guys. Not cool.
But I forgive you.