Co-founder and chief photographer Bessie McAdams said that she was enjoying her dessert but couldn’t secretly help wishing she had paired a burger with her haute dessert wine. After a fracas involving a mismatched glass of Cabernet Sauvignon with a molten lava chocolate cake and mint icecream, overwrought second co-founder Leila Watkins borrowed a pad of sticky notes from McAdams and began pestering gala attendees to dish about their desserts. Attendees were taken aback by such unusual gala behavior but eventually decided to humor Watkins.
Kate Middleton, poet and future queen of the English-Australian empire, described her “Milk and Cereal” dessert as “non-pedagogical”: “It didn’t really teach you how to eat it,” she complained. While she admired the spun sugar art on top of her dessert, Middleton thought her one-dimensionally sweet treat lacked complexity. While she thought it “worked as a metaphor,” the overall picture didn’t pay enough attention to the importance of milk as a crucial collaborative member of breakfast. “But don’t trust me,” said Middleton. “I’m unreliable because of Top Chef. Tom Colicchio made me that way.”
Resident “science person,” Stephen Chuck Norris, opted for Vinology’s celebrated dessert tacos with avocado icecream. “Not desert tacos,” he hastened to add, “that’d be gross.” Citing the presence of pineapple and “some red stuff,” Norris awarded his dessert tacos four stars, using a fool-proof scientific method to arrive at this conclusion. Norris would not discuss the specifics of his methodology as a longer paper on his dessert taco research is forthcoming from Nature in June.
University of Michigan lab tech, Carmen Yu, also ate dessert tacos. “At this point my standard for a good dessert is something that doesn’t make my
face break out in hives and my lips swell up,” said Yu, who is purportedly allergic to green chilies, hops, mice, latex, science, puppies, and sunshine.
Alistair Chetwynd, 67, declined to offer any critical opinion of his food. In a slightly condensed version of his actual press statement, Chetwynd said, “The glory of literature is sacrosanct. I have nothing to say about food. … There is enough bad theorising done about literature without exporting the methodology to discussion of food. Off-record I’m happy to discuss or close read. But never to theorise or criticise. …” Chetwynd went on to offer a very lengthy close reading of his peppermint stick cake, none of which can be printed because it was off-record. One guest, however, later overheard Chetwynd claim that his dessert had “survived the compulsion of the text.” Many pundits tout this as an example of the way Chetwynd often pretends to be against theory while actually reinscribing a humanist resistance to theory (see de Man).
Mathematician and wave expert Rafe Kinsey also ordered the peppermint stick cake but was reticent about his ability to critique it. “It tasted fine. I guess I’m just low brow,” said Kinsey, who subscribes to the New Yorker, audits a Shakespeare class in his free time, and attends Irish drama productions on a regular basis. While he did finally say that the dessert reminded him of Riemann surfaces, some guests were appalled by his support of the hegemonic convention of using utensils to consume one’s dessert.
McAdams, of “McAdams and Watkins Dish,” celebrated with a festive donuts and coffee plate. She reminded her colleagues that it is impossible to understand her dessert without a thorough study of the different genres of donuts. The “child” donut, often considered to be the ur-genre of donuts, can be known by the presence of chocolate, sprinkles, and bright colors. The “diner” donut genre possesses a whimsy that evokes childhood nostalgia while still being an adult food. The “donut hole” genre is prized for the speed at which it can be eaten. McAdams said her dessert played on the conventions of these latter two genres, combining them into a new hybrid genre that evokes breakfast without quite being breakfast. She also said to be sure that everyone noted the mouthfeel of her dessert, which was grainy and soft. “If I could make one tiny suggestion,” McAdams added, “I think Vinology should consider adding a burger to this dessert.”
Gala attendees asked Watkins if she was always going to think of food as a text or if she was ever just going to enjoy her dinner. “OK, first of all, that idea is weirdly eucharistic,” she said. “Second of all, ‘always’ is such a problematic term. One might say that I always already write about food in a predetermined fashion, so this entire question is pointless.”
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